Recently I took my kids to watch a play at one of our local theaters. As I sat in the audience of the show, my four year old daughter on one side of my lap and my one year old son on the other, I looked down and was struck with the feeling that I felt complete as a mommy to two. I have two sides to my lap. I have two arms. Where would I even put a third child?
It’s more then that though. I’m ready to move forward. Every time I have a baby I feel like I’m starting all over again with that one while the other keeps going full steam ahead. My daughter is now at the point where she sits politely and is entirely engaged during a play, while my son is still at the point where he is lying on the floor at my feet eating cheddar bunnies and I find this perfectly acceptable, because at least he’s not crying. I’m ready to get to the point where I can just enjoy these moments rather then feeling like I have to just get through them. I want to enjoy Anika being four.
But I also want to enjoy Jacob being one. I had so much guilt when I went from one to two children about whether I was doing enough for either of them. I could not split myself one more time. I already feel like I miss things from the two of their lives. I don’t know how I would do it with another.
So yeah, I’m not going to lie, at times in the past have wavered on this decision. I’m a little sad that I will never get to be pregnant again. I’m a little sad I’ll never have a newborn baby again and I’m definitely a little sad Anika will never have a sister and Jacob will never have a brother. I’m not sure why but I’ve always idealized the same sex sibling relationship in my head.
It’s strange to say that this season of my life is over. As a women I feel like that biological drive to have children and care for them has driven so many of my life choices and for that to be done feels sad and strange… especially since I feel like I didn’t really find or know myself truly until I became a mom.
But like any season in a persons life it has an ending point. I couldn’t stay a kid forever, I can’t have a wedding everyday, I can’t buy a first home more then once. I’ve got to keep moving forward.
I’m happy that I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving children and for all the great seasons in our future that is to come.
