Learning to Own Who You Are

Recently my dad brought over a container full of old home movies of my childhood from age 7 until about 18. Growing up I was passionately involved in theater, dance, piano, voice lessons, and band concerts- and my dad filmed all of it.

My daughter received so much joy from watching these videos. Seeing her mom perform on stage in a former life in a way she never knew that I existed blew her mind a bit…in a good way.

Taking this trip down memory lane was a little different for me. I cringed as I read the title on some of these videos and memories of the performances came flooding back. There were a few plays where I had felt like I did a horrible job, feelings of awkwardness and inadequacy switched on in my brain. There were plays where I struggled to push myself out of my comfort zone, especially during particularly vulnerable times in my life.

I put them in for her to watch anyway and braced my self for my less than stellar performance. I was surprised by what I saw instead. Time and time again I did so much better then I remembered. The inadequacy that I felt at the time in no way matched up with my actual performance. The one thing I would have improved was to stand up a little straighter, put my shoulders back, and exude the confidence level that matched my performance skills.

I’m not saying this to imply that I was a stellar broadway star but any means… I’m saying this because I came to the realization that perhaps I was a bit hard on myself.

An example of this was my freshman year in high school. I was cast as one of the three “Doo Wop” girls in Little Shop of Horrors. I was a 14-year-old baby with two seniors girls trying to dance and sing my way through this show where I didn’t feel like I belong. I was shocked to receive such a large role as a freshman and felt guilty that I took it away from another upperclassman.

The summer before the play I had a huge growth spurt and started my freshmen year 5’9, 116 pounds and I just remember feeling so awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the other girls were so much better than me.

I grit my teeth and stuck the DVD in preparing for the worst. But when I came on the screen I realized I wasn’t awkward at all. My performance was equal to the other two girls that I spent so much time feeling less then. I had been given that role because I was the best fit for the part. I was a good actress and I deserved it. I just couldn’t see that at the time.

I realized all of the fear and inadequacy was in my head.

I wanted to go back and tell that sweet 14-year-old girl that she’s got this. That she is doing phenomenal, she just needs to have the confidence to own it and enjoy it all. Have fun.

I then wondered how often I still do this in my life. How often I compare myself to others and create feelings of actual nonexistent inadequacy.

My new goal is to not have to wait 20 years to realize I’m doing better than I think. To stop being so hard on myself. To own who I am. Own my strengths, own my talents.

2020 as a human has been rough. 2020 as a parent has been excruciating. Parenting is hard. Parenting in a pandemic is downright painful. As I struggle with what to decide for my daughter for the next school year, I am completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Scared I’ll make the wrong choice for her. Fear I’ll be inadequate if I homeschool her for the year. Fear I’ll put her behind her peers. No matter what decision I make I feel like a horrible parent.

After watching those home movies I think this might be one of those video tapes that I replay in the future and say, why did you think you were doing so poorly? You were rocking that quarantine, pandemic, Covid-19 life. You loved your daughter and worked hard to make the best decisions for her.

I’m going to go with that and try to relax a little bit so I can maybe sleep a little more at night. I’m going to work to put my shoulders back, stand up a little straighter and confidently recognize that I am doing better at this mom thing, this being a human thing, then I give myself credit for.