Here are some thoughts on miscarriage five years later.
Missed Miscarriage
I had a miscarriage between my first and second children. We had one appointment early on in that pregnancy, six weeks or so. There wouldn’t be another appointment again until 13 weeks when we had the first ultrasound. I went about the first trimester feeling nauseous and tired and went to that appointment fully expecting to see a baby, to hear a heartbeat.
The doctor explained I had a missed miscarriage. I stopped being pregnant, but my body didn’t get the memo and was still trying to move forward, full steam ahead. He strongly suggested I have a D&C that day. I wasn’t ready to accept this news. This isn’t what happens when people have miscarriages. I’d seen it in movies.
Scheduling a D&C
After waking up nauseous yet again the next morning, this time realizing it was for nothing, I was ready to schedule the procedure. I wanted this over so we could move forward. The doctor was wonderful. He was so kind during a time when I felt raw. I felt sad, but also other emotions. Stupid, for not knowing I wasn’t pregnant. Guilt. What did I do wrong? Did I do something to cause this? I even felt guilty for feeling sad. Other women have had much more traumatic experiences than this. I hadn’t even heard the baby’s heartbeat. Why should I be so sad?
I woke up from anesthesia and the first thing I remember was the doctor by my side, calmly saying my name. He said it had gone great and it was so good that we did the D&C. The nurses were phenomenal with both me and my family and helped us through this experience.
Moving Forward…
I went home and started to heal. Physically and emotionally. My body went through a bit of a postpartum phase because it didn’t know the difference. Which was strange and depressing. Pregnant women and newborn babies surrounded me, due to the season of life I was in. That was difficult at first, but it got better.
Then I received a phone call. The tissue removed had been biopsied leading to additional concerns I had a molar pregnancy. I won’t get into the details but it can lead to cancer. They ran more tests and learned I didn’t have this. These tests however did reveal that the baby would have been a girl. The pain and heartache came back strong that day.
I feel compelled to share my experience now because miscarriage happens so frequently and people don’t talk about it. Our society often encourages delaying sharing the news of the pregnancy in case of miscarriage. Other loss, death, times of grieving we gather round and support…but we expect miscarriage to be kept a secret, adding to the potential guilt a mom may feel. When I began opening up to others I quickly found other women who had been through this experience. The truth is 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. There are a lot of us out there.
What I learned from all this 5 Years Later…
What I learned through my experience is pregnancy is such an abstract thing. Until you hold the baby in your arms it’s all built on belief. A belief that the baby is inside you growing. That it will be ok and thrive. Hopes and plans for the baby’s future. The hypothetical due date. The name brainstorming. The birth plan. None of them are concrete but clearly envisioned. My heart quickly latches on and accepts them as real. When that is taken away…even though the baby was never actually there….it hurts like the baby was….because your heart believed it was. A mom is a mom from the second that pregnancy begins to develop. My health record shows I have had three pregnancies. That pregnancy was real.
And please know that it hurts no matter how far along you are. Do not feel like you can’t mourn your loss because someone else had it worse. I struggled with this at first. The truth is there is always going to be someone with a worse experience. Someone who lost a baby after they heard the heartbeat, lost the baby in the second trimester, or had to deliver the baby after loss because they were so far along. I can’t even begin to imagine having to deal with those things, but don’t for one second not mourn your loss because someone else had it worse.
There is an incredibly happy ending to this story. After my miscarriage I went on to become pregnant again very easily about six months later. I was a bit jaded going into this pregnancy. I had experienced a loss of innocence and my heart was now guarded. But it went away about halfway through my pregnancy when I finally allowed myself to accept that I was pregnant and everything was going to be ok. I delivered a healthy strong baby boy and he is wonderful. That baby boy just turned four and I cannot imagine my life without him.
