Creating your New Job Description as a Stay at Home Mom or Dad

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” ~Mother Theresa

Growing up, I dreamed of being a mom. I played with baby dolls until an embarrassing age and spent countless hours thinking about my future children. What they would look like, what I would name them and how many of them I would have. Even as a 12 year old girl, I knew having a family would be an important part of my life.

Not one of these daydreams envisioned me in the role of a stay at home parent. Alongside that family I dreamt of, I also pictured myself with a career. I was going to be a lawyer, a news journalist or perhaps a psychologist. I was determined I was going to help others, change the world and make it a better place. Fast forward many years and things look a little different than that 12 year old girl originally planned. Although I don’t have one of those careers,  I adamantly believe I am every single day changing the world, just not as originally planned.

When I became a stay at home mom I received the biggest job promotion of my life. The best and most important career I will ever have. The day my daughter was born I looked at her in awe. She was so pure, a blank slate. She had so much potential and life ahead of her. There were so many firsts and brand new experiences to come and I would be there for all of it. I was tasked with raising another human from scratch. I was there from the ground up and could be influential in her development, the type of adult she would someday become. I was helping humanity become a better place because of this and I am changing the world.

I will never regret for one second making the decision to be a stay at home mom. Choosing to sit on my nest and care for my babies while they were young. I know how difficult a decision it can be, how hard the transition is, and how tough the days can sometimes feel. Although I was grateful and excited to stay home with my daughter, to get to watch her every first and kiss every boo boo, I was still frightened of this change and sleep deprived. Definitely sleep deprived. So sleep deprived. I then felt guilty for feeling these feelings since I chose this life. I get to stay home, not all parents get this opportunity. I also struggled with no longer working outside the home. When asked what I did for work, I would reply quietly, “a stay at home parent”, but quickly follow up with, “but I used to be a school counselor”. I don’t do that anymore. I own my new career and see its value, my value. I’ve frequently heard from other stay at home parents this similar loss of sense of self or identity. They left behind careers that reward them with money, prestige, recognition to take on this new role that is rewarding in ways no money or prestige can compete with, but it can take time to see it.

A former boss, a principal of a school I worked at, who once said something that has stuck with me throughout the years. He explained to parents during a back to school night assembly that our school was a business and their child is our product. I absolutely loved this and it applies so well to life as a stay at home parent. Shift the way you think and view your house. It’s a business and your child is its product. It can help you remember the value and importance of your job.

You are the CEO of your Home

My role is to be the CEO of our home.  My children’s father works outside of the home and provides financial stability, while I work inside of the home providing stability to our children, warmth, nurturing, among so many other things. Our jobs are equally important. It’s important for you and your partner to view it this way. This will make all the difference. Every penny your partner is earning is money you are also earning. That paycheck should have your name right next to theirs. You worked equally hard for it. Being at home, caring for your children helps your partner be successful in their career. They are able to go to work each day knowing that their child is well taken care of. There is no doubt in my mind that what I do is helping my partner be successful in his career.

Remembering this can help with that loss of identity stay at home parents initial experience. The loss of a sense of self. Many have given up careers they worked long and hard to create and build. For better or worse they had become a huge part of who they were. It’s hard to shift from doing brain stimulating work to wiping up baby spit up all day, if that’s all you see yourself as doing. Yes, there’s a lot of vomit clean up in this job but that’s just one tiny part of your new career. Sit back and look at the big picture, you will begin to see the value of this work so clearly. If you look at the research 0-3 is a huge developmental time for a child. Physically, intellectually and emotionally. A time in their brain’s growth you can never get back. It’s a crucial, sensitive time in your child’s life. Although some days it may feel like all you are doing is wiping bums, carrying a child around on your hip and reading the Cat in the Hat for the 10th time in a row, all that care is helping your child to be a successful and stable adult. You are laying the foundation now by being there to do those things for them.

The point of all this is for stay at home parents who are struggling with loss of identity, change your thinking. Think about it not just as giving up your job, but taking on a brand new one. When you start a new job, you want to be clear on what your job responsibilities and expectations are, right?

So the very first thing I suggest in this process of transitioning to a stay at home parent is creating a formal job description.

Create Your Formal Job Description

Step 1: List your day to day activities

To do this start by listing everything you currently do day to day or expect to be doing within the next three to six months. You might not even be aware of what you are doing right now. Start by grabbing a notebook and for a couple of days writing down everything you do all day long.

Sit back and look at that list. Wow. It’s a lot right? More than you realized? When my son was a baby he had a hard time nursing for the first few weeks of his life. We had an incredible lactation consultant who created a plan for us. I would nurse Jacob, give him a bottle and then pump every three hours around the clock. She had me keep a log of how many ounces I was getting when I pumped and at what time. Looking back at the log now gives me anxiety. The amount of time I spent during the day and all night long doing this was exhausting. I did this for the first two months of his life until he finally figured out breast feeding and we no longer needed the bottle. The point of this story is that for the first couple of months of your child’s life your job description might just be heavily about breastfeeding or feeding your baby in general. The time it takes to feed the baby, give them a bottle, pump, take care of the breast milk, clean the pump. All of this takes time and it’s ok if not much of anything else is getting done during this time period. It won’t be forever. Newborns need to be fed, cuddled, diapers changed round the clock over and over again. The amount of time that all takes can make you feel like you are accomplishing very little during the day. But you are. You so are.

As my children got older I began to be able to add other things to my daily job description. What I do now that my kids are six and nine is entirely different then when they were a newborn and three. That’s one of the fun parts of this job. It’s constantly changing based on the development of your child.

Step 2: Create a formal job description using the one I provide as a guide.

Once you have your list, make it formal. I provided a sample job description at the bottom of this blog post to help give you an example of what it could look like.

Step 3 : Share with your partner and get their feedback.

Share a draft of your newly created job description with your partner. Get their feedback and modify as needed. It’s so important for you both to be on the same page about this.

Step 4: Post it somewhere highly visible.

Once it’s completed post that thing right up on the fridge so you and your partner see it daily.

Step 5:  Recreate every three to six months.

This job description will look different depending on the age of your children. And like everything else in this book is a process that will be repeated about every three to six months as needed.

Benefits of Creating a Formal Job Description

There are multiple benefits to creating a formal job description like this and it serves several purposes.

It will help you transition to your new job and see clearly that it is very much a job. It will also let you see exactly how much you are doing on a daily basis. It’s easy to get lost in a sleep deprived haze of spit up and diaper changes and at the end of the day look at a messy house and feel like you’ve done nothing, but you are doing so much. Putting it down on paper will help you see that and realize the value you are providing your family

It will also help your partner to see and understand what you do every day. To appreciate you and understand your worth and contributions to the family more clearly. It will assure you are both on the same page. What your expected job duties are. In my home the kids come first. If that means the house is dirty, the house is dirty. It will help to get you and your partner on the same page in multiple ways. Every family will be different. For example, in my family I do the majority of the cooking, but in yours maybe the non-stay at home parent loves to cook and this will be their job and not transferred over to the stay at home parent. Having it all on paper helps make the division of responsibility clear. Having what you do written down on paper can also help your spouse understand the amount of work that you are undertaking each and every day.

Finally, it will give you a sense of purpose. To remind you why you are home with your children. What you are doing there. How much of a gift you are giving your family by taking on this role and helping you get your priorities in order. You will not be able to do it all, especially at first. What is going to be the most important. For us, as I would imagine for most families, the children come first. I don’t care how gross my toilet looks at the end of the day or if there is a gourmet meal on the table. I do care that my children feel loved.

Sample Job Description

Here’s a sample Job Description when my children were 3 and 6. Anika was doing remote learning that year.