What I want my daughter to know about relationships

Since Anika turned six, going on sixteen, I’ve come to the realization that she has already begun to think I don’t have a clue about certain things.

I know this is normal…but I would like to think that I have a world of knowledge I could share with my daughter. However, I was a middle and high school counselor. I am well aware that there is a strong possibility when she turns thirteen she is only going to roll her eyes at me and call a friend for advice. I’m hoping perhaps if I can get some of what I consider my sage wisdom in writing now, one day it will be more credible should she ever take the time to read it. 😂

My first topic. Relationships. 

Having been a teenage girl myself and a school counselor at both the middle and high school levels, I’ve seen first hand the impact that romantic relationships have on girls, both good and bad. I’ve listened to beautiful, smart young women cry their hearts out over the worst boys and all I could think is you deserve so much more than this guy (would actually like to use some other words here) and try and guide them to make the right choice. I hope to raise someone who can see through all the drama that unhealthy relationships often bring, but just in case here are some of the things I most passionately want her to know when she first enters the dating world. 

Listen when he says I’m not interested in being in a relationship

If a boy tells you he is not interested in being in a relationship…believe him. If a boy breaks up with you…let him. If a boy tells you that he isn’t ready for a commitment, say “thanks for letting me know” and find another boy that is. Do not waste one second of your small time on this earth with someone that doesn’t want to be with you one hundred percent of their heart, because guess what? There are so many that will. Go ahead and close that door and watch the other windows fly right open.

Someone not wanting to be with you is in no way a reflection of you being anything less than the incredible human that you are. And the reverse is also true. Another boy loving you with all of his soul doesn’t make you any more of a worthwhile human being. You are complete by yourself. 

Respect yourself and others

If a boy cheats on you, please please please see this for the giant red flag that it is. Please don’t tell me it’s ok because he “told you about it” and it won’t happen again. If you cheat on a boy also please see this for the red flag that it is. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between two boys or the other way around, walk…no run, away from that situation as fast as you can. You are not supposed to be with either one of them. There would be no need to choose. If you are with the right person there will be no part of you that wants to be with anyone else.

Avoid Projects

Please don’t go looking for a project, relationship wise anyway. I know we all love Beauty and the Beast but Belle didn’t do anything to change the Beast. Simply being around her made him want to change and he did the work himself. She didn’t do the work for him. If you find yourself in a relationship with a boy who is doing undesirable things; drugs, drinking, having no goals and motivation, not treating you with the respect that you deserve, and you are working harder then he is to help him through these things, it’s time to let that relationship go. Find someone who matches you and where you are at in your life. Remember we end up like the five people we hang out with the most. Surround yourself with people you want to be like and your partner is the most important when it comes to this. 

Sometimes the best choice is the most obvious…don’t overlook it.

And finally please never choose to not be in a relationship with a boy because you don’t want to ruin your friendship. I can’t even begin to list the number of times a teenage girl said this to me in my office, much to my complete and total confusion. If there is a boy that is so important to you that you would not be in a relationship with him to ensure you keep them in your life, that is the exact boy you should be in a relationship with. Not the one you are in your school counselor’s office crying over because he won’t text you back.

Learn from your own mistakes

I’ve made my mistakes and learned some lessons along the way. I’ve sat with countless young women and helped them while they learned their lessons and from their own mistakes. I’m well aware that you will most likely have to make your own way. You’ll learn from your mistakes too like the rest of us. Know that if/when this happens I’m here for you with ice cream and trashy tv/movies. I’ll even make you a breakup playlist…although you’ll probably think my music is lame.